Coming out of hiding.

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”
--Marianne Williamson

Okay, so another thing I've met with when it comes to this whole writing publicly thing is the fear of letting people see into my thoughts, and the fear that someone will read them and go, "Wow... lame." So there's a creative part of me that thrives on expressing those thoughts and sharing them with other people, and yet there's also the larger, very real part of me that is completely terrified of that same thing.

What if I say something that makes total sense to me, but it's nothing but a jumble of mishmash to someone else? What if I pose a question that sounds completely idiotic? Do I really want to expose and let people see that part of me? And... what if I say something that makes someone reject me as a person? Those are the kinds of doubts that inevitably rear their ugly heads when I write with the knowledge that what I'm writing will be seen by someone else.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that another purpose of this blog is to try to conquer that fear. I remember even having that fear when I was about eight years old, the time when I thought that I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. In my eight-year-old mind, when I thought about the kinds of books that I would someday write, I always had it figured out that I would use a pen name. After all, if you used a pen name, then you were totally protected from judgment. If people were going to judge harshly, I reasoned, at least they'd be judging a person who did not actually exist. None of it would fall directly on my shoulders. No one would know it was me. I could essentially bare my soul and remain safe and anonymous at the same time.

And now that I think about it, I think that it's pretty tough to be a good writer and also be "safe." Writing kind of comes with a certain rule -- that when you allow others to see your work, you open yourself up to criticism, both good and bad. Because doesn't it stand to reason that, if you are protected from people insulting you, you are also barred from truly enjoying success? I mean, what if J.K. Rowling -- or any other famous author, for that matter -- had used a pen name and no one knew who she actually was? No one would have been able to tell her directly, "I love your writing" or "Your books are so fantastic!" or anything like that. Because they wouldn't have known who she was.

A pen name is kind of like hiding. I think you can write good books and remain unknown -- I could name a few who have -- but I guess it sort of comes down to your intent. I don't want to be a professional writer anymore, but when I had that ambition, mine would have been to hide my identity to escape from people -- more so the people I knew personally -- realizing it was me and criticizing me based on my writing.

So I'm writing all of this now, and I'm just... me. (Granted, this isn't exactly a novel, but maybe that's a good thing.) And I guess all I'm hoping for is that eventually, with time, prayer, and a little work, the fear of failure and of judgment will be diminished.

"There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love."
--1 John 4:18 (The Message)

Hello, world!

Yes, I know... I started a blog. But before I get going, just to clear things up: I didn't do it just because it's kind of a hot trend lately or because a few friends of mine have them. I've been considering it for quite a while, mainly because -- as an introspective person by nature -- there are lots of ideas constantly simmering in my brain, and expressing them actually helps me process them myself. So that's the basic purpose of my doing this.

Another is that, well... I just find a huge enjoyment in writing. I have since I was little. (I believe I still have some ancient beginnings of short stories and novels lying around in my house somewhere.) And there's nothing quite like a brand new notebook, which is something I always looked forward to when I was in school at the beginning of every new class. Just another simple bit of life that I treasure.

My mother and sister also love writing and are very talented at it. One of my favorite things that my sister has ever said to me on the subject is, "I love filling out paperwork!" When I asked her why, she replied, "Because getting it done gives me the joy of accomplishing something." And I admire her hugely for that statement, because that's not how I function at all. This is the same reason why, in every honors course I ever took in school, I always dreaded the inevitable research papers. (Side note: I also had an annual musical analysis paper to write for choir. Yes, choir. But with that one, I loved that it broke the stereotype of choir being an "easy class." So not true, and it was definitely better for it.) In fact, there is only one paper I ever wrote that I remember with fondness, and that is the one where I decided to analyze Shakespeare's 116th sonnet for my college English class in the 11th grade. Other than that, I don't actually recall enjoying any of them.

I never liked research papers because they always seemed to come with too many rules. Do this. Don't do that. Write in rigidly proper grammar. Never start a sentence with And or But. Remember the format: Introduction, Body, and Conclusion. State your thesis this way, but not that way. Make it at least 5 pages, but no longer than 7. Rules, rules, rules. There were just too many of them for my liking. So when I took a creative writing class my junior year of high school, I suddenly felt that I was able to write -- and breathe -- much more easily and freely. There were still some rules, of course, but they were fewer and considerably less constraining than those attached to research papers. I think it's kind of like that part in Amadeus when the Emperor tells Mozart, "There are simply too many notes, that's all. Just cut a few and it will be perfect." There are simply too many rules.

So, that's why this comes in handy. Not so many rules and restrictions to adhere to. (Even right there, I had a debate with myself about whether I should phrase that in the grammatically correct way: to which to adhere. And I didn't. Oh well, so sue me.) I've already got some thoughts cooking in my brain, and hopefully those will come out in the next couple weeks or so. This could turn out very bad, but it could also turn out very good. I'm pulling for the latter.